Within the context of marriage, ideas such as “headship” and “submission” can give rise to uncertainty, resistance, or misunderstanding in our contemporary culture. Many couples preparing for a wedding ask: What does the Bible actually mean by these terms? How do we put these principles into practice in a way that not only honors God but also honors each other and produces a marriage that is centered on God and flourishes?
This blog post examines the teachings of Ephesians 5:21-33 regarding mutual submission, loving leadership, and respectful partnership, as well as the ways in which couples might implement these teachings in a way that is healthier and more balanced. In the event that you are currently dating, engaged, or have recently tied the knot, this provides a basis for a relationship that is founded on unconditional love.
Headship and Submission: A Balanced Biblical View for Today’s World – Ephesians 5:21-33
📖 What Ephesians 5:21-33 Says and Why It Matters
In this passage, the apostle Paul the Apostle writes:
“21 submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. 22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church… 25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it…” (verses summarised). (Christian Study Library)
Key points:
- Verse 21 sets a tone of mutual submission: “submitting yourselves one to another”. (The Junia Project)
- Verses 22-24 tell wives to submit to their husbands “as to the Lord”.
- Verses 25-33 tell husbands to love their wives sacrificially, modelling Christ’s love for the church, not domineering but serving. (DashHouse.com)
- Headship is therefore not about authoritarian rule but about responsibility, care, sacrificial love. (Desiring God)
In a wedding-planning context, these verses remind you: your coming marriage isn’t just a cultural contract—it’s a covenant meant to reflect Christ’s relationship with His church. That means roles and responsibilities matter, but so do character, mutual respect, and loving service.
🌿 Practical Application for Couples
Here are ways to live out headship and submission in your relationship in a balanced, healthy way:
1. Mutual Submission First
- Begin with verse 21: both partners commit to “submitting to one another in the fear of God”. This means humility, listening, valuing the other’s view.
- Even as you consider roles, keep the posture of we serve each other.
2. For Wives: Respectful Partnership
- You are valued as equal in worth, though the passage uses the word “submit” for the wife. That submission is voluntary, not coerced. (Strength For The Battle)
- It means trusting your husband’s loving leadership, when that leadership is Christ-like.
- It does not mean blind obedience to wrongdoing—always submit to God first. (media1.razorplanet.com)
3. For Husbands: Servant-Leadership
- Your role isn’t to assert power, but to love, serve, nourish your wife — just as Christ did. (Oxford Bible Church)
- Ask: How am I caring for her, protecting her, helping her grow?
- Love means putting her interests, wellbeing and calling above your own, not controlling.
4. Shared Practices Together
- Regularly pray together and ask God to help you live these roles in a balanced way.
- Talk about role-expectations before the wedding: What does leadership look like in our home? What does respectful partnership look like to each of us?
- Use a table to clarify together:
| Role | Husband’s Focus | Wife’s Focus |
|---|---|---|
| Leadership / Headship | Serve, protect, initiate love, support dreams | Trust, respect, contribute ideas, support partnership |
| Submission / Partnership | Listen, encourage, value her voice | Follow, respect, engage lovingly |
| Mutual | Communication, decision-making, shared mission | Shared vision, unity, love for Christ together |
5. Guard Against Misuse of These Terms
- Headship ≠ domination. If leadership becomes control, it’s contrary to Christ’s example. (RayStedman.org)
- Submission ≠ passive, inferior status. It’s an active posture of trust, respect and love. (Christian Study Library)
- Emphasise character over mere titles: a husband must earn trust, a wife must choose respect.
Verse 21–24 of Ephesians
In verse 21, Paul encourages believers to “submit to one another in the fear of God,” which is a notion that is referred to as “mutual submission.” This is the first time that the word “submission” appears in the Bible. “to place or arrange; to subordinate,” is how Mounce describes the meaning of the word “submit” (ὑπoτάσσω). Therefore, those who believe ought to conduct themselves in a respectful manner toward one another, putting the interests of others at the forefront of their own concerns. There is a correlation between having this unnatural and selfless thinking and being “filled with the Spirit” (5:18).
When Paul employs the same word (ὑποτάσσω) in verse 22, he is describing the appropriate way for a wife to react to her husband’s leadership in the living space. By use the middle voice, Paul encourages wives to do this voluntarily, rather than as a result of being forced to do so. The church’s position under the leadership of Christ serves as both the example and theological basis for these teachings (5:24). On the basis of this, the assertion that these instructions were only applicable to wives in the first century seems questionable.
A description of the obligation that husbands have toward their spouses is provided by Paul in verse 23 using the metaphor of headship. He draws a parallel between the idea that Christ is the head of the church and the idea that the husband is the head of the wife. This does not imply that men should take the place of Christ; rather, it should be understood that husbands should serve their spouses as leaders and suppliers who are willing to make sacrifices (5:25-32). As a result of the fact that the Graeco-Roman culture did not imagine men who were service-minded, this approach was highly countercultural.
As a head of the household, the husband is obligated to love (v23,25, 29). He needs to love her if he wants her to surrender, because that’s the only way. Similar to Christ, he is to be proactive without being overbearing. First, he must love her without condition. Second, he must be willing to give himself up for her if she is weak or troubled. Third, he must comfort her with loving words, freeing her from the world’s troubles. Fourth, he must encourage her to grow in her love for God and for others. Fifth, he must not be possessive, but rather help her to become her full potential by fostering her talents and releasing her from anything that hinders her from being complete.
Paul now draws a parallel between marriage and something more grounded in reality, since love must also be genuine and applicable to the workings of family life, after comparing it to the lofty concept of Christ’s love for His Bride. Accordingly, he elaborates on the husband’s care using the Head-Body analogy in verses 28–30:
Therefore, husbands should love their spouses as much as they love their own bodies. No one ever despised their own flesh; in fact, they always cared for and loved it.
It is fitting for a husband to have the same level of authority over his wife as he has over his own body, since the couple is considered to be one flesh. Individuals ought to treat one another with the same respect they would their own bodies. A loving relationship between a head and its body is an inevitable consequence of self-love. Little, tender gestures are how it expresses its affection. He draws on this comparison to emphasize how love becomes pragmatic when one considers the finer points of living. Both the head and the body rely on each other; the head initiates action, and the body responds accordingly.
The affection of a head for his body is how? Always on the lookout, he provides nourishment, cares for, shields, and attends to its cues. Everything from “I’m hurting” to “I’m hungry” to “I need your attention” are messages that your body constantly sends. When we pray, Christ, our Head, hears and answers instantly, just as a wise husband learns to listen to his wife’s signals. She ought not to feel compelled to make her needs known. Guys can be dense, thus it’s important to learn to comprehend women, according to Peter (1Peter 3:7). Ignoring the little cues will lead to severe discomfort in no time! Because they are one flesh, a husband’s love for his wife is really a love for himself. Loving one’s wife is the greatest gift a guy can give himself since it elicits a response from her.
In order to nourish someone, one must attend to their material needs as well as their emotional and spiritual well-being. To love is to shower with affection, to clothe with tenderness, and to shield from harm (as one would with something valuable and delicate). Taking care of her needs, moving heavy objects, being polite, opening doors, helping to keep the area clean, etc. all fall under this category.
We are now united eternally to Christ, as a Body to its Head: “just as the Lord does the Church – for we are members of His Body (‘of His flesh and of His bones’ – Genesis 2:23).” The two marriage analogies, Christ-Bride and Head-Body, have become one. Christ’s love is set forth as our supreme example in both analogies. This means that He provides for and values each of us, attending to our every need and experiencing every emotion we go through.
🌺 Why This Matters for a God-Centered Wedding & Marriage
As you plan your wedding and begin your life together, understanding headship and submission matters because:
- Your marriage will be built on a basis of long-term purpose, rather than merely following a cultural trend.
- It instills in you the value of respecting one another’s positions and gifts, rather than engaging in power struggles.
- It is a manifestation of God’s love, which is not a tyranny or inequity but rather a Christ-like partnership that is mutually sacrificial.
- This kind of togetherness is necessary for decision-making, parenting, financial progress, and spiritual development, all of which are preparing you for real life.
🕊 Final Encouragement for Your Marriage
However, when you ground them in Christ, they become beautiful expressions of unity and love. Headship and submission may sound archaic or burdened with ambiguity in today’s world, but when you ground them in Christ, they become truly beautiful. It is possible to create a marriage that shines with Godly love, purpose, and power when a husband leads like Christ—serving, sacrificing, and loving—and a woman trusts, respects, and partners happily.
Thus, as you approach the day of your wedding and beyond, choose positions not out of a sense of obligation or dread, but rather out of a sense of dedication. Allow your marriage to be a reflection of the most incredible love story that has ever been told: the love between Christ and the Church. I pray that your marriage is not merely a ceremony, but rather a journey that lasts a lifetime, filled with love, honor, partnership, and shared faith.
As you walk together, may you walk in humility and strength, in submission and love, in headship and service; may you be anchored in Christ, reflecting His love, and sparkling with the joy of mutual devotion. 💕
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